Love them anyways...

Lunch on a beautiful lake in Thailand on our way back from my best friend Eric's wedding

People are going to be a pain in the ass – love them anyways. People are going to try and push you away – love them anyways.  People are going to try and test you to see how much you care – love them anyways.  People are going to complain and lash out – love them anyways.  People are going to be rude – love them anyways.  People are going to judge you – love them anyways.  People are going to give you reasons to retreat, run, and disappear – love them anyways.

When I say “Love them anyways,” I am NOT referring to being a doormat and letting people walk all over you. I am actually referring to the EXACT opposite.  When we act with love, we are actually acting rationally and in line with our highest values.  It is a true sign of confidence, high self-esteem, and commitment to ourselves and others.  Acting with love says “You have no power over me. I am in control of my state and my confidence in who I am as a person is unshakable.” When we are reactionary, we give our control over our life and emotions to the other party.  Most often when people act out in any of the scenarios I mentioned above, it has very little to do with you and more to do with the other party’s personal stuff.  Many times when people lash out, complain, criticize, and sabotage it is a cry for help.  It is a sign of insecurity and/or fear. People complain, lash out, criticize, and sabotage when they are afraid and their needs are not being met but are unable to articulate them in a constructive manner.  At this point to act in a “Love them anyways” manner, you have two choices – to stay and dig deep to find out exactly what needs are not being met that are causing them to act in the manner they are acting or to make a conscious decision to separate yourself from the person or the situation because the relationship is detrimental to be in any longer.   From my experience, many times we resort to the second option out of fear or insecurity where it would be much more powerful to choose the first option. 

It is really easy to react emotionally when people are “attacking” you with complaints and judgments, but it takes a really strong person with great personal power to look at the person and their actions as a call for help and with love, sincerity and authenticity search for a way to use this situation to create a deeper bond and connection with the individual.  I have had patients in the office complain about everything from how long they have to wait to the results are not good enough or fast enough.  It would be very easy to take it personally and react in a not so constructive manner (which I admit I have done before). What they are really doing is making a call for help. They are saying “Please help me.” When I look at that as a call for help or a call for more of my presence, I acknowledge it and give it to them.  I find that this disarms them immediately and provides a space for a true connection to be made.  In my personal relationships I have been criticized or complained to about how I was behaving or acting  - as hard as that is to believe! LOL… Kidding. If I let my insecurity take over, I react emotionally and attack back and justify myself.  When I act with love, I acknowledge that they are just looking for more of my presence, my love, and my connection and I give it to them.  Rather than run due to fear, I dig in deeper and it strengthens our bond and commitment that would not have been possible any other way.

Life is full of opportunities to create magic moments with people.  People are crying and desperate for more love and more connection. They will complain, criticize, pull away, and lash out – love them anyways.

Love,

Matt